I haven't updated in three days, so here're some thoughts I had over dinner yesterday:
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*sparkle emoji*
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I think the closest thing to legitimately explain the phrase
“breaking down” would be helplessness; complete and utter helplessness.
Imagine that you are standing. You are standing in a room, a
room which is a bit on the small side, with no doors or windows or any type of
opening to the outside (if there is one) and you have this impending feeling of
wrongness, but you cannot quite place it.
You ignore it.
It comes and goes day in and day out, but still, it does not
matter to you.
Suddenly, the ground and the walls – black walls – all
around you start to shake. There is nothing except the black walls and the
ground, and even those are not stable. Then, it is just the walls, because the
ground is gone too, and you are falling.
You are falling and falling, and screaming, too.
It is all blackness around you and you seem to be alone, so
very alone, until you are not.
There are blurred faces all around you, your loved ones;
filling your vision, crying out to you, reaching out to you, but their hands
pass right through you and you cannot even be sure that the tears you glimpse
streaming down their faces are real because you are falling so fast you can
hardly decipher it.
You continue falling.
The noise in your ears is louder than you can bear.
It is your screams and their screams and it is the air
rushing past you as you fall.
It comes as a shock to you to know that you are crying as
well.
You imagine that your face is red and you wonder if the
walls are shaking because you are rocking back and forth on your knees or because
you are weeping so hard that your shoulders shake with grief. You try to claw
at the walls around you to get some kind of grip to stop for a second, to get a
grip on yourself, but the walls seem to inch farther and farther out of your
reach until the blackness is no longer solid, until you no longer know what is
and what is not.
Then, it hits you.
You get this distinct, obvious moment of clarity wherein
everything stops, the shaking of the walls cease, the faces around you vanish,
and the only thing left is the sound of your breathing and you, continuing to
fall: you realize that you are helpless.
That is when everything comes back at full force, maybe even
harsher and much, much worse than it ever was before… and now, you cannot even
see the end to it all.
Breaking down.
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Good night everyone! :D
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- Alcanna Narie owo
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- Alcanna Narie owo
